If he is not there, you could say, "I need to talk to my husband about that. In the first case, the act of leaving is a sign of betrayal. And now after 4 years of marriage, when I am insulted in front of you, you hardly have a word to say. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. Else, continuous in-law conflicts will cause a significant rupture in your relationship with your spouse sooner or later. Do not let her put you down. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. Instead, show compassion and understanding. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. If you cant make me your priority; then stop expecting me to make you my priority. "My husband always supports his mother" - the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. It's always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and . But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. Because change starts within. Men are natural avoiders. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. 1. And, quite frankly, if he cant change his ways and treat you as an equal to his family, there are any great choices. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. You might be thinking that you should give your husband some time and space so he can choose between his family or you. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. After all, if a man respects and treats his mother the same way, he is more likely to appreciate and treat his wife. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. This page contains affiliate links. When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. Unfortunately, that's not the way my family sees it. I don't hate animals - as I said, I love them. Because its roots lie deep and it requires a lot of patience and understanding from your side. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. By continuing to use this website you are giving consent to cookies being used. When you call me at 4 a.m. please remember that unlike you, my priorities do not consist of getting drunk. When two people tie the knot, no matter how much time they have spent together before, something changes. Communicate With Him. Please Click Here to subscribe other newsletters that may interest you, and you'll always find stories you want to read in your inbox. Suddenly, youre not his top priority. Mothers have a distinct bond with their children; they can sense their childs need almost telepathically. And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. Because respect is a two-way street. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. If your husband spends time with his parents straight after coming home from work, keeps chatting with them for hours and then heads off to sleep without spending time with you, then its a concern. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. A person who comes from a very large, close-knit Asian family may have a very different dynamic from someone who was raised in a small, reserved Scandinavian family instead. In most Indian families, especially in joint ones, sons are expected to be there and fulfil every need of their parents, even if it means prioritising them more than their wife. The famous mamas boy. Living with his mother (at the time of her death) was his 26- year-old younger sister and 25-year-old If yes, then chalk out a balanced budget with your husband while voicing out your concern in a very subtle manner. I left my whole life behind to create a beautiful future with you. If your husband is selfish, he may not realize the rewards of being generous and kind. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? And you dont know what to do about it. Neither you nor any of his relatives can have an influence on his decisions. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. His conscience is killing him and he feels compelled to go back to his old habits. He shouldnt take their side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them. Women, here, have the upper hand. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. You know best. Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. Second, by allowing him to. Well, the reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep and strong connection with his parents. I will always protect you!. The way to approach situations where his parents feel that it is okay to force their views and wishes upon you is to do so tactfully and respectfully. Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. I didn't have to explain myself differently he understood me. Hear me out on this. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. So its time to act as such. If it has come to the point that you needed to put that question into words, the chances are that youre not going to like the reply as well. Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. Whenever I was insulted, I stayed silent to maintain the sanity of the house, hoping you will try to make your parents understand their faults. Tell him that you had the same issue, that you had a hard time focusing on your marriage and choosing him over your parents. You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. Mention the necessity of keeping a marital bond intact. Husband. This is the kind of relationship where his mother smothers him with calls and text messages and hes always there to answer them. Privacy Policy . Sadly, many women believe that they can read their partners minds. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. 2. Women Power . He has to choose to do things differently if he wants to have a future with you. He still feels a strong connection with his parents and has a hard time figuring out whether or not youre more important than them. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. First, take a step back and breathe. Thats simply not true. Focus on yourself. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. Life & Culture, About Us. Professional help might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood. Heres a request to every husband out there: Stand up for your wife and protect her from the attacks that come from the people close to you. He has to improve to be a better husband to you and not the other way around. Allow All Cookies. But sadly, for you, my pain is meaningless. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. The theory is that without a strong marriage and loving home, kids won't thrive, so you're doing them a disservice by putting your spouse on the back burner, which can lead to marital trouble and even divorce. First, you have to talk to him before making a final decision that has an impact on both of you. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. Their motto is, "Once family, always family." By. Another reason your spouse might choose his family over you is if you and your in-laws are living under the same roof. Youll either need to establish dominance in this hierarchy, making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated, or leave. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. Do you want to switch? My husband chooses his family over me. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. So what happens when, whether in times of conflict or otherwise, your husband chooses his family over you? And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? "I don't hate cats. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? Start visiting your parents more often and spend more time with them, just as your husband does. The biggest mistake that you could make is to involve other people in solving your marriage issues. Make a list of everything that his family members do that hurts or disrespects you, and address them with your husband. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. If he continues to only support his mother, tell him that its going to be a huge problem in the upcoming future. What can you do to break this deadlock? His daily routine changes and hes confused since his priority list has changed drastically. Lets say that your husband constantly invites you to go over to his parents house for dinner. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? Their childhood and pre-birth bond are still very much present, and it is very likely that the son is incapable of admitting the faults of the mother. But, lets be honest, its a little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have partnered up. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support.
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